Growing up in a middle class 2 parent family with 4 sisters seems great right? We were able to go on vacations and have great Christmases. I was in dance, gymnastics, cheerleading, volleyball, tennis. I was one of the popular pretty girls in school. I dated popular athletes and got a car at 16. I got great grades and became salutatorian of my senior class. I got a full ride to college. With a Bachelor’s degree in Business and Organizational Leadership I got my first career job as an Operations Manager making $40,000/yr. A few years later I met my husband Alfred and moved to Atlanta. We had 2 beautiful boys, Aydin and Jeremiah. As a Writer, Teacher, Coach, Entrepreneur, Beauty Consultant and Life Styler, I wear many hats. Looking from the outside in I seem to have had a great life, right?
Looking from the inside-out all I saw growing up was an insecure ugly little girl that yearned for love, acceptance, approval, and attention. My sisters and cousins added to my insecurities by making fun of me calling me a white girl because I was the only one with long pretty hair. They use to tell me I was adopted and thought I was the favorite child. I didn’t see it that way. I was missing those important self-esteem builders you are supposed to get from your parents. All I can remember growing up hearing was “Go to school. Get good grades. Don’t talk to boys.” I got 2 out of 3 right. Because I didn’t get the affirmations and confirmation of who I was from my parents, I sought it in the opposite sex. I didn’t know my identity, value, or worth. I lacked confidence, even though many couldn’t tell on the outside. I was indecisive, naïve, and sought a father figure in men to lead me. When it came to men, I was easily swayed when they said the right words and made me feel special. Oh, and when they talked about God, I was in full surrender…
I was a Christian and a good girl growing up. I went to church, was in ministry, said the right things, thought I was doing all of the right things, but was missing something in on the inside. I believed in God, knew who He was, but I didn’t have an intimate relationship with Him. Because of that, I was 25 with the mind of a 15 yr. old girl with those same issues. Mentally I hadn’t grown. How I saw myself and how I thought was the same. I had low self-esteem and self-worth. I still sought acceptance, approval, value, and love not from men, now from my husband. I not only wanted it, but it became like a drug. I needed it.
From my high school years and my first long term boyfriend, to my husband, and all of the men in between I searched for my true identity: who I was, whose I was, and what was mine. I’ve had some horror stories and I did things I’m not proud of. I’ve made many mistakes, moved out of God’s timing, and out of his will and brought unnecessary pain into my life, and still was empty. I literally almost lost everything, but God… If it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t be here today.
Every time I would purpose to talk a step forward, the enemy was trying his hardest to pull me back. Every time it seemed things were getting better, something would happen to take me back. When I purposed to fight in faith and take action; when I began to fast and pray; when I began to grow in my relationship with God there would always be opposition. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to give up, but I didn’t. Everything I went through was all purposed to bring me to who I am today. All of my bad choices and hard times worked out for my good in the end.
I went from self-centered “all about me” to an others-centered “all about serving” mentality. It was when I was at my lowest point of losing everything, was God able to get my full attention and show me myself. It was during that time that I began experiencing his love and that started the value shift. Slowly but surely I began to see myself as He saw me: beautiful, highly esteemed and valued, highly accomplished, powerful woman of God; his QUEEN. He gave me an extreme internal makeover. I was then able to bring the beauty from the inside to my outer appearance. I now walk in his “Godfidence” (M.E.): confidence in who I am, whose I am, and the greatness God has for me. I would love to help BEAUTIFY your life from the inside-out; take you from woman to QUEEN! From an ordinary to an EXTRAORDINARY LIFE that attracts success and prosperity!
Butterfly Entertprises, CEO